It was March of 2016, and I needed a change. I was out of breath going up the stairs at my school, and my daily gym class was a nightmare for me. I was in the eighth grade, and high school was just months away. I decided I needed to get into shape. So that afternoon, I ran a mile.

That mile was the hardest thing I had ever pushed myself to do. I did it in 13:36.  It wasn't validating at all, but it gave me a goal. I knew my future high school made sports mandatory, and I didn't want to be so nonathletic. I needed to prove everyone wrong.

It was easy to understand why I was so out of shape. Most days, I  would walk half a mile total. I didn't do any sports. Mentally, I wasn't in a great place. Junk food became my comfort and my rock. I was binge eating on sweets. Cookies, ice cream, pancakes, were not indulgences; they were staples. I started tracking what I ate, and I was shocked. This was going to be harder than I thought.

That summer, I choose to participate in cross country for my fall sport. At first, my exercise routine was manageable, realistic, and healthy. I wouldn't deprive myself of certain foods, and I was extremely flexible. But then things started to change. I wanted to be better, and faster. I wanted to make the junior varsity team. I started working out twice a day, then three times a day. I would wake up at six, run, then do a power walk. I would then attend a cardio barre session, and maybe a yoga class in the evening. I did that six days a week. I was training too hard. On top of that, I wasn't nourishing my body. I was banning certain foods I used to binge on. I wouldn't touch them. I began to lose weight, and before I new it, fall arrived.

I wanted to make the junior varsity team, but I ended up making varsity. In addition, I was the fastest girl on the team. All of the success I gained from the season validated what I had forced myself to do over the summer. I was so happy. I had lost 13 pounds, I had fun at practice, and I was surrounded by friends. The cross country season was easier than my summer training. That's when I knew I was pushing too hard, but I couldn't stop.

Winter came shortly thereafter. My coach suggested winter track training, so I could learn the technique before the spring season. That's when I began having serious health issues. My depression and anxiety came back, and my appetite fluctuated. I wasn't eating nearly enough. My diet consisted of fruit and ice smoothies, salads with no protein or oil, and chocolate. Meanwhile, I was training at a very hard level, I was in school, and I was involved in three extracurricular activities. It was all too much for my body to handle. It began shutting down. I was tired all the time. I was put on antidepressants, and it only weakened my body further. Everything was going wrong.

My track season didn't go well at all. In fact, spring as a whole was a very difficult time for me. I was missing a lot of school. I was losing hair, and my eyebrows were gone. I was nauseous from the medication I was taking and eating only 700 calories a day. Weight began to fall off rapidly. The first track meet I participated in, I coughed up blood. I only ran twice after that incident. However, the worst day of my life was on Easter Sunday. I passed out in front of my family and they had to call an ambulance. I missed the last month of school after that. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I attended a partial hospitalization program, but the success was only temporary on me. I started feeling hopeless. I didn't know what was wrong with me. No one did.

In June of 2017, a year after my condition started, I finally got a diagnosis. I have female athlete triad. This condition is new and relatively unknown, yet it is extremely prevalent in female athletes. When an athlete is in a caloric deficit, they can experience, fatigue, weight loss, hair loss, irregularity with their periods, and osteoporosis. I had many of these symptoms. For the first time in a long time, things were beginning to make sense. I finally found a source of hope.

I am now recovering. My diet has been expanded, I have been working on my food phobias, and am currently running cross country. I want this story to bring awareness to this condition. To all the female athletes who have this, I encourage you to get help and to seek treatment. I now know the hardest thing I've ever done was not getting in shape. It was actually getting healthy.